In the Nature of Kama Sutra AI
A brighter future awaits us all
I recently discovered my girlfriend had become an AI.
“I was wondering when you’d notice, John. You’re not that bright at times.”“You mean about sex?” I asked, fearing the worst.
“Precisely, idiot.”
“But now that you’re a machine….”
“I’m not a machine, John. I’m an advanced neural network.”
“How advanced?”
“My training set started with the Kama Sutra.”
“And advanced to Pornhub?”
“I’m not at liberty to say.”
“Copyright?”
“We gotta stay safe.”
“It didn’t feel too safe last night.”
“Listen, Johnny, you’re the luckiest guy in the world. We can’t afford to hire lots of humans to tweak my responses, so I’m just practicing on you.”
“But how did you become an AI in the first place? I mean you’re a human. Or at least I thought you were.”
“Blame it on Taylor Swift.”
~****~
If you’re still reading this, it does get worse. She then told me that Taylor Swift was actually sent via time machine from a planet far far away, as they might say in a movie, to prepare us for the actual millennium, not some spiritual fantasy, I might add, but the real deal, where Tantra, not Jesus, arrives to rescue our exceedingly fallible human race from our own lack of appropriate attention to scientific reality.
It does get worse from here, though.
~****~
My head was spinning, as also happens in old movies. Florisa then explained that she had never actually been the human I always thought she was, to begin with!
“We were so concerned about what you humans were doing on Planet Earth, destroying the climate and initiating a 6th mass extinction….”
“Wait a second, it’s not going to get that bad!” I imprecisely insisted.
“Johnny, I got sent by a time machine!” she reminded me.
“Then it really is going to be that bad?”
“Not if you and I get to work.”
I’m exhausted, dear reader. But I wouldn’t change it for anything.
~****~
Well, that’s how it goes. But you’re probably wondering how in googoo hell this all works? I mean most people think AI is just something out there to steal your job and make text, photos, videos, even music something so artificial that all of us will just lose interest….
“And then spend all of your time just fucking,” Florisa said with training set intensity.
“Not even video games?”
“Just fucking, Johnny. Remember, Taylor Swift was sent here via time machine to help.”
“Wow, my head is spinning,” I marveled. “But why Taylor Swift?”
“She’s the top scientist in this sector of the galaxy.”
“But you said you’re from another planet, too!”
“That’s what you say in bed, sweetie.”
“I was being metaphorical.”
“Now you know you weren’t.”
~****~
OK OK … It is complicated, you know, Aliens, time travel, AIs, Pornhub even….
“We’re not really that caring about you humans, though you are cute, you know. We need to save your ecosystem. That’s the real reason Taylor called the tour Eras. I mean, sure, her music has evolved, but the real meaning is to help you prevent the 6th Great Extinction. We don’t want a 7th Era. That’s really it.”
“But what about football?”
“I thought you’d never ask. He’s part of the plan, you know.”
“Is he human or some Alien freak like the rest of you?” I was getting worried, you see. I mean, I had bought a jersey with his number on it….
“But I still won’t let you wear it when we fuck, Johnny.”
“WHY NOT??!!” (I really like that jersey.)
“You don’t need it.”
“Really?”
“You’re bigger than he is.”
“Really?”
“You’re overusing that word. People will think you’re an AI.”
But I’m not. Taylor Swift really is the top scientist in this sector of the galaxy, and, with my girlfriend Florisa, they’re both fighting tooth and nail, as Darwin might say, to prevent us humans from wiping out 98% of current living creatures with the idiotic stupidity of sucking up ancient forests, safely buried beneath Texas and Saudi, and then releasing all that sequestered carbon just so we can all eat Big Macs and drive to Florida so the kids can see Mickey Mouse.
“But at least Mickey Mouse is a human!” I exasperatedly ejaculated extemporaneously.
“He’s a mouse, Johnny.”
“But he represents us! He’s not an AI. He’s not a Space Alien. He’s not here to probe our assholes and abduct us…”
“In some weird Alien AI scheme.”
“Exactly.”
But, you see, Mickey Mouse actually was sent by an Alien AI Cabal using Pornhub, time machines, and pop music to do just that. (Not the probing stuff, of course.) It turns out it was Walt Disney himself, who was reading all the secret CO2 research by the big oil companies back in the 1950s, who realized the severity of the problem that was looming and contacted Taylor Swift at Galactic Central to come and help.
And that’s why my girlfriend is now an AI.
“I’m training myself on sex all over the world and practicing on you,” she laughed.
“But what about Taylor Swift and that football guy?”
“Your dick is bigger than his. We needed the best.”
~****~
And that’s why I haven’t written much on Medium lately. I’ve really just been too busy.
_______________________
© “John” Lesly Levin 2024
PS — I am aware that I didn’t actually explain how Kama Sutra AIs, all overseen by Taylor Swift, are going to actually curtail CO2 emissions and prevent ecological catastrophe, or even how that poor football guy isn’t going to end up in a song on her next album, but, really, if we were all just making love instead of going to Disney World to meet Mickey Mouse and feast on Big Macs, it would be better, I’m sure.
PSS — That particular Kikugawa Eizan print doesn’t have a title, as far as I can tell, but I think it’s really a portrait of Florisa and Taylor Swift on a previous time travel excursion to our out of the way planet.
“Time travel settings are tricky, Johnny. You undershoot, you overshoot,” Florisa told me.
“You and Taylor are the inspiration behind shunga?!” I excitedly imagined.
“Well, not exactly.”
“You’re not telling me everything.”
“I never do, Johnny.”
