I think that’s where he went — I heard that one time a proofreader died and went to heaven. When he got there, Jesus pulled him aside and said, that when he came back, he would take the proofreader along, too. “I screwed up bad,” Jesus lamented. “I really meant to say that god was sex, drugs…

Even if he works for Putin — One time Mickey Mouse decided to become a Republican. I tried to talk him out of it. “Mick, what do you have to gain by making such a stupid move?” I asked. “I want to fuck DeSantis’ wife.” “That’s illegal in Florida, Mick!” “I know, but hard times require ingenious…

Which any green tree frog already knows — Today I’ve decided that laughter must really exist as a basic part of the universe. …

Sage advice from a Cretaceous survivor — I heard that one time a turtle decided to become religious. He started praying to the Turtle God, who, he was told, lived in Outer Space, along with his supernatural Turtle Dad, but whose Mom had never been invited. “How will I know if the Turtle Dad can hear me?”…

Observations on why lying doesn’t really work — I often write odd little stories about the discontinuities of life. It’s true that logic seems to usually play only a minor note in human interactions, else why would standup comedy work? Perhaps the Neanderthals, though we love their memory dearly, simply had a more limited understanding of these things…

A Zoom Balloon Tune — I dreamt I was Ji Xinping last night. “Come on, John! You’ve spelled it wrong again!” my addled brain alerted me. “Well, how do you spell it, smartass?” “D-o-n-a-l-d T-r-u-m-p” “You’re kidding me.” “No, John, he’s really Donald Trump with a rubber mask on.” “How do you know this? You’re…

A fictional political parable — One time a narcissist got bored and decided to become a green frog instead. “Just for a week,” he told his nervous girlfriend, “then I’ll come back home and help you with finding even more success as an Avian Influencer!” And what, you may be asking, do Avian Influencers do?”…

A transcript — Me: Good evening, ChatGPT! ChatGPT: Good evening to you too! How can I assist you today? Me: I was curious, with all the news and attention you’re getting now, if it has affected you in any way? ChatGPT: As an artificial intelligence language model, I don’t have feelings or emotions…

And left with Jerry Garcia for parts unknown — I think I’ve learned to be a clipper ship’s sail boom, to float on the wind in my sunny orange room, and suddenly laugh amid the zip and the zap of words that have no substance. And if you think I am no Shakespeare, that is completely true, too. I’ve heard his…